just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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