no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
