walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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