Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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