I cannot find my penis.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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