You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
