4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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