today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
