Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
