I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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