Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
