i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
