I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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