Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
