The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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