I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
