dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
