gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
