Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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