Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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