Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
