Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
