just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
