You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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