eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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