I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
