I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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