oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
