This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
