My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
