Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
