Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
