I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
