Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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