Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
