How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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