Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
