made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
