Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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