you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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