my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
