I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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