I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
