the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
