Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize