I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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