he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
