this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
