I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
