I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
