i think i have two assholes
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
how drunk are you?
Several
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
