I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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