Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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