I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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