You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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