...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
