we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
