All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
