i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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