Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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